Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

ㅤ

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.