Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
he’s doing your taxes
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
At least my masseuse has my back.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I love the National Park Service.