Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

The glory of fall.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery