Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

I think the cat got the dog high.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

there’s probably a fee though

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Shoo shoo! 😂

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Flock of bats

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”