Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant