Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
You Might Also Like
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“just sayin” who asked you though?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My typo game is string.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.