Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Bill is short for Billiam
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
LOL
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?