Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
bout dat hot dog summer
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
<—- homeless romantic
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying