Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know