Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK