Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.