Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

the rocks need my help

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?