Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Breakfast in bed.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*