Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.