Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion