Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Teach your children to beatbox
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>