Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

😂😂

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.