Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”