[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
#oldknees
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it