[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?