[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The Joker was right
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”