[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
#parenting
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head