*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
You Might Also Like
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
is it earth
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking