Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.