Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?