Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it