Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.