Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Phones down.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral