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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
🖤✌🏽
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
motivation
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!