Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

📽️movie date🎞️

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

You are what you delete.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?