[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”