*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
You Might Also Like
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.