Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

I missed you with all my darts

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.