[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The struggle is real
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
