Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Kids: Stay in school.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

December birthdays be like…

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life