Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: