Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
#NeverForget
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic