Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband: