Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

When I snag the last meatball.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

My whole life was a lie.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap