Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.