Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]