Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute