Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

The pen is writier than the sword.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂