Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave