*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
You Might Also Like
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Best table by far
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.