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Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal