Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?