Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

I can fix him.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

I remember when things only cost an arm.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?