Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

ㅤ

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.