*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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never compromise your values
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Basketball
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.