*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I don’t think my car can fly
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
No flush
