*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.