*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
You Might Also Like
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ugh
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.