*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.