*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”