Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

the worm is coming from inside the brain

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Nice try Hitler

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps