[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Employees must applaud the planets.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out