*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
A huge thanks to the person that did this
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*