Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.