Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I identify as an antique shop.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

O Wise One….

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

I’m giving up for Lent.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.