[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit