Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.