Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
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A great first step 😂
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th