Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

I feel attacked.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Most Common Source of Electricity

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.