*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
😲 WTF? 😆
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.![]()
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker