Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”