Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Good morning.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”