Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I need to sieze this.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.