Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
They got Raph!
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.