Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!