Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I’d … I’d rather not.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”