Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Hey Fugeddaboutit

the clam before the storm

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

This was my dad’s browser history.

#polloftheday

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.