Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

The Struggle

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to