origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.