Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
fair
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.