Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.