Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“FRAAANCE!”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I love texting my boyfriend
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now