Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.