Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?