Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,